Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
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Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?