“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
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“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Me when I hear gossip
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*