Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

Succinctly put.

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon