“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
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me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia