@NapVeg

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

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@RickAaron

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

@parsfarce

gf: why are you wearing your jar jar binks outfit that’s just for special occasions

me: *gets down on one knee*

gf: omg

me: *crying* will yousa marry meesa

@notmythirdrodeo

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

@svnsxtional

I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.

@EJGomez

God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
God:
[later]
devil: welcome to hell

@MNateShyamalan

me: pavlov’s dogs were so dumb lol. drooling cuz you hear a bell? what’re you, hungry for bells?

uber eats: zero delivery fee on taco bell orders over $30 for the next 3 minutes

me: i could really go for precisely 17 crunchwrap supremes immediately

@DurtMcHurtt

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

@BradBroaddus

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

@yerpalmildsauce

FACT: The Ghostbusters are a paralegal entity who enforce arbitrary restrictions on Post-Corporeal Americans.

@duumb

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression