try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
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if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.