try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
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People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My first child will be named New Folder.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
This raises questions
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
