Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

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Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah