Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
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No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap