“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
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[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.