Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.