“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
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What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Finally! 😈
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.