Trying
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[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.