Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

🤣🤣

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.