*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
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When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm