*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
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I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Monday Lisa
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
guilty
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead