trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
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13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.