Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.