trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
You Might Also Like
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’