Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.