Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
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I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Well well well…
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I don’t make the rules sorry
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”