[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
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“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Wait a second…
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.