Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear