trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
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Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Snack for election night!
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.