trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
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Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Lmao
How dramatic are you?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle