trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
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“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek