Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

Her: Let’s just drop it.

Me: Fine.

Her:

Me:

Her: I just find it funny how…

Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.