Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.