Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*