[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
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I sexually identify as a hand grenade
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.