[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email