Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.