Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Netflix and awkward silence?

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

*lost my marbles*

Weighs myself

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.