[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*3.5 thank you very much.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.