Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
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I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?