Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
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Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
<- sleeps well with others
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
dream blunt rotation
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
peeping toms
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.