Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
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I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”