Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
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I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down