Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

linkedin the good parts

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.