[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
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i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”