wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
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Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
ME: I have so many questions
ME: Exactly lol
ME: Yeah so-
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.
Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.
Him: “What’s your body count?”
Me: “For what?”
Him: “People you’ve slept with…”
Me: “Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement…”
BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
“Oh, spare me,” I say, pulling another clone out of the cryogenic freezer.