[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

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wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed


Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.


ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth


Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.


If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.

Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.


Him: “What’s your body count?”

Me: “For what?”

Him: “People you’ve slept with…”

Me: “Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement…”

Him: “What?”

Me: “What?”


BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.


Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.


Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.


“Oh, spare me,” I say, pulling another clone out of the cryogenic freezer.