Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

why on earth do you guys have a state named washington and a city named washington and they’re on opposite sides of the map. this whole time i thought the white house was in washington state

❄️

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*