Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
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If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread