Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
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Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
White Castle for the Win
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Hard not to take this personally
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.