Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

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Playboy: We’re going to take the naked ladies out of our magazine!

Men: You know we were kidding about reading the articles, right?


Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots


me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea


me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea


Will I understand “12 Monkeys” if I didn’t watch the first eleven monkeys?


*Interrogation room w/ murderer*

I’d start talking, my partner isn’t so nice…

*From under the table I raise a puppet dressed as a cop*


The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes


You just HAD to let snakes and spiders on the Ark, didn’t you Noah? Way to go, man. Way. To. Go.


[learning how to tie shoes in school]

Jesus: *raising hand* why do we have to learn things some of us will never use in real life


friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman


“Hi doc!”
“Hi! What is that behind your ear?”
“Nice try, too old for the coin trick”
“No it’s a tumor”
“Oh my god”
“Kidding it’s a quarter”