Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

awkward

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

A couple who are silly together stay together.

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

Bike is short for Bichael.

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.