trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
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“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.