trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
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At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Happy Star Wars day!
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser