trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
You Might Also Like
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
that lip filler tho
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?