trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
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My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
San Francisco has too many rules
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.