trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
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her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Dammit Chief not again
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He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
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Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
🤣😂🤣😂
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My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️![]()
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?