Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*