Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

“Let’s break a leg today guys!”

–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.