*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
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I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.