*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
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Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.