trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
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a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
If looks could kill
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
In space, no one can hear…
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…