Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Hitlers gonna hitl

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday