trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
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“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Sir!!
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.