trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
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Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Oops
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.