trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
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Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES