Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
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“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace