Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

This guy gets it.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

my proudest tweet

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe