Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
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So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Meow
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it