Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

Someone just gave me half a peace sign.

weird

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

Grew big

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.