Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pray every night that I never become religious…

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no