Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me hitting on a model

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”