Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
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2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
2022: I can fix it
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
#parenting
A leaf blower, but for people.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”