Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

My fantasy football season is going great

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

gender is a sprctrum

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.