Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

A man of commitment.

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR