[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
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police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.