[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
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A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”