trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
You Might Also Like
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.