trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
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[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
This classic never gets old . . .
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?