trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
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gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I have a type: disappointing
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.