trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
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My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.