Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

tell em, edith-anne

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.