Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

shit just got real

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.