(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
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*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Damn he played himself
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes