(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
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please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense