Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.