Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys