[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
You Might Also Like
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Social Media and Real life
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.