*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
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The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone