*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
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Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Noah
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Holy shit he’s back
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.